Myths of love

People grow up believing all sorts of things about love. Most turn out to be untrue, and some turn out to be quite destructive. Often the things we believe about love stand in the way of our experiencing the love we want. Let’s take a look at some of these more common myths.

1. We each have a single “soul-mate”.
The myth of “The One” is among the most destructive, because it prevents people from being satisfied with the relationship they have. Maybe somewhere Prince Charming and the Fairy Princess are living happily ever after, but the rest of us will find that deep loving relationships require attention, work, compromise, and passing through the difficult times to get to the joyous ones. This is a very childish fantasy based on a feeling of being less than whole on one’s own, and that someone will come along to complete us. You are already complete. It is when we more fully learn to accept ourselves as we are that we become able to love, and be loved by, another.

Thankfully, there are many people in the world with which you can have a loving and satisfying long-term relationship. If there were only one, the odds of finding that person among 6 billion people would be infinitesimal. Of course, the nature of each relationship will be somewhat different depending whom you choose. Every relationship consists of your stuff, their stuff, and the unique interaction and reaction set up when the two of you come together. I have an elderly friend who has been married three times, due to having been widowed twice. Each of her marriages has been great, and each has been very different. While they certainly had some traits in common, she married three very different men, thereby producing three unique and satisfying relationships. Instead of wondering if there is something better out there, focus on making the relationship you have as successful as possible. If it is to end, let it end because of its own flaws, not because it pales to some imaginary ideal you’ve been carrying in your mind since childhood.

2. When I find the right person the relationship will be easy.
Every relationship has difficulties. Learning to love, know, accept, and negotiate day-to-day life with another human is one of the most complex endeavors that we can undertake. Look at it this way, you’ve been living with yourself your whole life, and you still have much to learn about self love, acceptance, and treating yourself well. What makes you think this will be easier with someone else? You know what you’re thinking and feeling, but have to ask others about their’s. You spend 24/7 with you, but only part time with them. They are completely out of your control, were raised with different beliefs and preferences, and have their own unique experience of life. Learning to fully love and accept another human being is the most rewarding and enlightening journey I have ever found, but easy is not an option. As with most things in life, the biggest prizes are the ones you have to work hardest to achieve.

3. All you need is love/ love conquers all
We are born knowing how to love. Virtually everything else must be learned. Of course, love is the necessary underpinning to any healthy relationship. It is our love which binds us together, but it will not get the breakfast dishes washed. Love is the container in which we have relationships, not the activity of the relationship itself. Learning to communicate, to compromise, to work together as a team, to respect and deal with our differences, and to create and accomplish our goals, this is the content of relationship. All this takes time, intention and work, in addition to love.

4. When I find the right person they will know how to please me without me having to tell them
Just because somebody loves you does not make them a mind reader. While the desire to have somebody fulfill your needs, without having to tell them what those needs are, is almost universal, it is also a childish fantasy. When we are first aware, the world is a safe, perfect place where everything we need is effortlessly provided. Then we are born. At first things are pretty good. We cry and someone attends to our needs. As we grow we must learn to take care of ourselves. However, the desire for that sense that someone will take care of us, and make everything alright, never fully leaves. Nobody can fulfill your every need. You have to tell people what you want in order to have a realistic shot at getting some of your needs met. I know it makes us vulnerable to ask for what we want, but it vastly improves our chances of getting it.
My guest on the radio this week is Marcia Gomez LCSW, who runs the “Art and Science of Love” workshops here in Sonoma