These articles are from Dr Low’s column on marriage. The column appears in various publications, though sometimes in an edited form. The unabbreviated columns can be read here. Click to see a list of columns, then click on the column you wish to read.
These columns are dedicated to expressing Dr. Low’s message that marriage can work, and to giving practical advice on how to create more satisfying relationships in your life. If you have topics or questions you would like addressed in future columns, please send them to Dr Low through the “Contact” section of this web-site.
Telling the truth has been one of the core missions of my life. I have spent the last thirty-five years pursuing this purpose, and I haven’t succeeded yet. This is because while it is arguably possible for humans to know the truth, it is not possible for us to express it in words. The best we can do is not knowingly lie. We may experience something as true, but words are representations of the truth, not the truth itself. Just as a picture of a tree is not the tree, the description of something is not the thing itself. Of course, underlying this is whether human beings are even capable of knowing the real truth of things, a question that has perplexed both philosophers and scientists for centuries.
During the past couple of years I have spent far more time than I’d wish being a patient to different doctors. During my previous years I had spent more time either as the doctor, or as a colleague to other doctors. Having seen doctoring from both sides now, I’d like to share some of what I’ve learned that might help you to be a successful patient.
People often ask me whether I believe in love at first sight. I do, I just don’t believe in relationship at first sight. Relationships take time, but it is possible to deeply love someone you have never even met. Everyday, parents start loving their children even before the child is born. Love is a condition which comes from inside us, and depends solely on our ability to love, not on outside forces. When we love someone, it is not the other that generates the loving, they are just the reason we give ourselves for letting our love flow. Love is a state of being we create, a choice we make, a way of holding someone or something. It is not conditional, in that it does not depend on the other being in a certain condition for our love to exist. We can love someone before they are born, after they die, or however they are in between.
As some of you know, I have spent the last five months fighting for my life. At the beginning of January, I learned that the colon cancer I thought I had overcome last year, had returned and spread to my liver. The oncologist informed Mary and me that the cure rate for this type of cancer was about 10%. He recommended a very aggressive type of chemotherapy, and told us that if it didn’t work, my time would be measured in months. Recently I had a PET scan that showed no active cancer in my body. I am in full remission. This does not mean that I have beaten cancer, but I am certainly winning the war. While there is much treatment, work and positive creation ahead, I now stand a good chance of being counted in that 10%. Besides sharing this amazing news with you, I would like to share some of the things I have learned both about being faced with death, and about how you can best relate to someone you love if they are facing a serious medical crisis.
There is a difficult truth that lies at the heart of all relationships. We may try to ignore or deny this truth but deep inside we all know this fact: All relationships end in abandonment. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how good the relationship is, if it lasts long enough, eventually one will die and one will be left. Our minds know that every time we see someone, and that every time we say good-bye, it may be the last time. Yet, in spite of this terrible knowledge, we find the courage to love each other, to be in relationship together, and to plan for the future. Some may say that challenging death through a dangerous activity takes courage, but to me those who risk the emotional pain of living and loving fully are the truly courageous ones.
Dear Dr Low; I have read with interest your columns about successful divorce, and thought I had one, but it doesn’t seem to be working out. I was married for 16 years and got divorced about a year ago. We have maintained joint custody of our daughter, did not fight over money, and maintain a civil relationship. The divorce was pretty much a mutual thing. We both agreed that the marriage was over and we both wanted out. Here’s the problem. I cannot seem to get on with my life, and actually grow angrier at him as time goes by because he has already moved in with a new woman. It’s not that I want him back, yet it infuriates me that he moved on so easily while I have not been able to bring myself to go on a single date. I feel like I should be getting over my divorce by now, and moving on with my life. How can I do that? J.K. Sonoma
I have not had a first date in almost twenty years. This does not mean that I have forgotten the particular excitement and agony that makes up the world of dating. Starting with my first boy/girl dance party at age 10 in Woody Karp’s basement playroom, through my amazing first date with Mary at the Kailua-Kona Tennis Club, I can remember all the awkwardness, fear, and pretense of my early years. Eventually, I learned to relax, be myself, and enjoy meeting a potential new friend. Not coincidently, by the time I learned to be my authentic self, even on a first date, I found someone to take me off the market. While much has changed in the mechanics of dating in the last 20 years, (how did we ever meet without the internet?) I don’t think the underlying principles of finding someone to be in a healthy relationship with have changed at all. Here then, are a few guidelines for healthy dating.
